How is it that none of the month’s joys or sorrow have anchored the days?
So much has happened. Engagement announcements, baby showers, my 55th birthday and last week’s unexpected short getaway to San Antonio. And then there have been all the many mini-dramas and comedies which fill everyday life. And though I touch upon it all in my off-line journal, it’s only here that I really work to get underneath the surface events — to explore and name my deepest feelings of the moment.
So its unfortunate (for me) that I have not written here this month. Mostly, I have been uninspired to write here. In part, the thought of trying to write beautiful sentences has exhausted me. And if I’m being honest, maybe I just wanted to have a good pout — what my younger sister likes to call, the Pappas Pout — where one goes off to sulk alone in a bedroom, after slamming a few doors to ensure everyone and the neighbors too, know that you’re mad and sad.
But today, as I sat in my favorite living room chair after writing three morning pages, I began to think that maybe I should just sit down and write a few lines of everyday sentences in my blog — and not worry over making them their Sunday Best.
So. Here I am. And just writing these three little words — here I am — reminds me that the prophet Isaiah also spoke these words to God before God set his charred lips loose to say a few words on His behalf.
So what is it that causes me to sulk rather than write? I can only point to my Aunt Jo’s death. It doesn’t help to tell myself that she’s in a better place. And all of this is mixed up with my own mortality, of course, as that older generation ahead of me falls one by one, like a row of dominoes, each one falling closer and closer to me.
But yesterday, I realized that this particular vintage of my favorite month is almost used up. And on the most important level — the one which has me taking notice of glimpses of Reality — the month has unfolded its goodness and truth and beauty without my notice.
I am sorry to have missed out on the the miracle of cool crisp nights and lovely fall foliage and the particular way the autumn sun causes my living room to glow and shimmer for a few minutes each October day.
This weekend, I will be in the cool sunshine days dipping a paintbrush into a bucket of paint at my sister’s house. The plan is to finish what she and I began last April — the restoration of her homestead inheritance. And knowing myself as I do, knowing that I grieve best with a paintbrush in my hand, my plan is to finish with this grieving of Aunt Jo’s death. Because I don’t wish to miss out on the deepest and best part of everyday life.
October, here I am.