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an everyday life

Tag Archives: Parents

The Good Old Days

09 Monday Nov 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

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Birthdays, Carly Simon, Cattlemen's Steak House, Coming Aroung Again, Everyday Life, OKC Dining Out, Parents, Raising Children, Writing

My husband and I paused everyday life last night to mark the birthday of my first-born.  I’ve been a mother thirty-one years now; if you’re wondering, it seems every bit of thirty-one years, as I think on all the intervening events that have marked the passage of time.

We enjoyed a fine dinner in a nostalgic red leather booth at Cattleman’s Steakhouse, Oklahoma’s only claim to fame in the travel book, 1000 Places to See Before you Die. 1000 things Life does have a way of coming fast and furious, especially in your thirty-something years.  By day Kate is a full-time nurse.  By night and day, Kate juggles the competing demands of wants and needs that come with a family of six.

As I listened to her talk, I was struck by how similar Kate’s life was to mine at her age.  Newly married for the second time, her challenging career, her challenging home life with all the children’s activities — well, it’s enough to lose sleep over.  And Kate does.  She mentioned at dinner that she was unable to sleep the night before;  ironically, Kate was watching a television show on travel destinations in the middle of the night.

Though I suffer my fair share of sleepless nights, it’s worse to imagine your children fighting the same battle.   Usually, after an hour of tossing and turning, I get up to read a little.  Or like tonight, when my head is so full of thoughts of Mom’s storage shed and Kate’s birth night, I find it best just to release the spinning thoughts and anchor them to a line of words.  It’s an act of discipline, as if to write is to mutter sleepily….”Now stop your whining.”

I always lost sleep towards the end of a pregnancy.  My mother was living six hours south when I went into labor on a Wednesday night thirty-one years ago.  Kate was born early Thursday morning  — 1:28 am to be precise — and I recall being so tired and sore after it was all over, all I wanted to do was sleep.  Had it not been for the nurses who came in to check on this or that, I would have. 

My parents and sister arrived soon after Kate’s birth.  And Mom stayed behind a week to help me ease into my motherhood groove.  I’ll never forget those first days with Mom and Kate; even now, I can see Mom busy working in the kitchen, helping me with all the laundry  — how can one little baby cause so much dirty laundry?  —  and when all the work was done, Mom kept her hands busy by making a few crafts, including a nice big Christmas stocking for Kate.

I take out the memory of those days again and hold it up to the light.  How young my mother was then — both of us really, though it didn’t seem so with Mom now a grandmother and me now a mother.  Why is it that we never quite see life as it really is, while we are in the midst of living it?  Why does the passage of time and hindsight make the past more clear and even more precious? 

These thoughts remind me of a few words from a Carly Simon tune where she continues to refrain that these are the good old days.  These are words I need to hear and bear in mind as I continue to live my everyday life.  These are the good old days.

Yet, as good as the message is, it’s not a ‘just right’ fit for Kate’s 31st birthday and where she is in life.  Instead, I offer a variation on the same theme, from another Carly tune that I think she’ll recognize.  The words of this song, published in my 31st year, remind that if we’re willing to play the game of LIFE, that second and third chances happen; that the best kind of travel is our own time travel though life; and that seasons and reason to celebrate are always coming around again.  Just like a string of birthdays.

But in the meantime, I hope Kate relishes this one.  Because from where I sat, this birthday is already a good old day.

The Last Scarecrow

08 Sunday Nov 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

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Death, Everyday Life, Parents

“I would not be just a nuffin’
My head all full of stuffin’
My heart all full of pain
I would dance and be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain.”

                –      The Wizard of Oz

My sister’s working hard to get my parent’s home ready for sale.  Their not-so-old farmhouse sits on a five acre tract of land  that has been in my mother’s family longer than I have.  It’s sad to think that it no longer will be.  But what choice is there?  It’s too much for my sister to manage on her own.

So far, most of Christi’s efforts have been spent on the house, which with the land, are the property’s strongest selling points.  Sitting on the liability side of the balance sheet  are the garage and  storage building.  Both are  stuffed to the gills with who-know’s-what; all of which must be removed, as either building on its own has the potential to scare off buyers.   

The storage building was the foundation of Mom’s long-held dream of running a little gift store just steps from her front door.  Most didn’t think it would survive so far from town, and ultimately, the naysayers proved right.  The store soon closed its doors and the building became a convenient place to store all of Mom’s supplies and her very raw materials. 

Mom was crafty.  If anyone could turn the yards and yards of fabric and lace and all the broken furniture and other junk into treasure, Mom was one to do it; of course, it would have helped had Mom lived longer, bought less or if Mom had enjoyed some of the nine lives of the scary cat who  once called the storage building home. 

One of the last crafts Mom made for me was a four-foot scarecrow.  Like most of Mom’s work, the scarecrow was made from scratch,  —  a little fabric, raffia, rope, paint and stuffing — all from her storehouse of clutter.  When it was finished, Mom dressed it in one of Dad’s old shirts and a pair of Dad’s old soft blue jeans.  I once thought this scarecrow that hangs out in my foyer in the autumn months was Mom’s last scarecrow.  However, I now see this honored title rightfully belongs to the storage building of my sister’s scary inheritance.

It was the storage building, and my sister’s talk of demolition, that drove my husband and I to visit yesterday;  we came not to actually begin the work of  heavy lifting, but to assess and make plans on where and how to help.  The questions are many; while the clutter makes it hard to stumble upon the right answer.

Is demolishing the best alternative for my parent’s storage building?  Or would it be better to rent huge dumpsters to fill and haul away what anyone in their right mind would call junk or trash?  Maybe a new buyer might find a use for a clean empty building in need of repairs and a makeover; and if not, perhaps the building could be demolished at some later date or even given away.

This last option was Mom’s oldest brother’s plan of attack; Uncle Bob discussed it with my sister a few months after Mom’s passing, then led the charge to clean up my mother’s storage building.  The family crew that gathered in the wintery cold worked hard to fill one huge dumpster with outside debris.  And once the front door was cleared of a rotting front porch, did they, like us, open the door to become quickly overwhelmed?

If so, my aunt wasn’t put off for long.  Aunt Georgia returned to enter those doors and rummage through some of the scraps of Mom’s dreams.  One treasure hunt led her to find a baby book of mine — one I never recall seeing before —  the sort that records family trees and a registry of hospital visitors.  But its surprise appearance has made me wonder what other family memorabilia might be hiding within Mom’s last scarecrow.

Deciding how best to proceed will require a careful balancing act, one that weighs matters of both heart and mind.  If only I didn’t have this tendency to get distracted by clutter and matters of the heart.  If only I had a brain…  If I only had a brain.

Daddy Tuesday

03 Tuesday Nov 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

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Tags

Everyday Life, Nursing Homes, Parents

“There’s no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain’t life unkind?
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you.”
— Ruby Tuesday, The Rolling Stones

The heart of every Tuesday belongs to Daddy.

The 1957 Model -- Me & Dad

Our visits begin with a stop in Norman to pickup my brother Jon.  It helps to have a reality check for visits with Daddy;  Jon is mine and I hope I’m his.

Even before we’re out of the Norman city limits, we begin to quiz one another about what lies ahead of us; which Daddy will we see at the end of today’s journey?  Will today be a good day, or one not-so-good like last Tuesday?

On good days, Daddy knows we are there.  On a bad day, who can say what Daddy knows?  He sleeps through our visit, oblivious of worldly cares or visitors.  But for our own peace of mind, we might as well not be there;  I’m pretty sure Dad would be none the wiser.  Of course, I realize that what I call bad days may not be from Daddy’s perspective.   In reality, the bad days may be those when Dad’s totally alert to his surroundings and his own diminishment.

By all counts, today was a good day.  So good that Daddy did not want it to end.  Jon and I are ‘on’ to Dad’s delaying tactics — instead of a child who needs a drink of water at bedtime, Daddy’s ploy is that he needs to tell us something important.  This can eat up quite a bit of time for one who can’t communicate.  It took five long minutes to realize Dad was asking for an ink pen to write with.  Thirty minutes later, after many false starts, we still had no idea of Daddy’s urgent message.  All Dad could write was “How does….?”, “How does…?”

blog_09_1103_3On days like today, Daddy is a scratched record stuck in a groove.  So I reach out to pull Daddy and his message out of the dark oblivion.   “How does what…. Daddy?  Give us a noun please.”  We never did get that noun out of Daddy; it never saw the light of day.  Whether there was really a message in Dad’s mind or not, we’ll never really know.

However, this we know for sure:  Tomorrow is Larry’s 79th birthday.  Daddy and Larry share a room; and more than that, I learned today that Larry is Daddy’s ‘go-to’ person when we’re not there.  Larry greeted us today with news that Daddy has been without his television remote for the last two days.  Especially now, at this stage in Daddy’s life, television is everything to Daddy.  I didn’t even sit down.  I searched the room one last time;  and as I wondered what we would have done without Larry’s help, I suddenly remembered Christi telling me about Larry’s birthday.

“Larry, is there anything I can pick up for you at Wal-Mart?”
“No, thank you.”
“A book or magazine maybe?”
“No, thank you.”

I had hoped Larry would voice some need; some small want that would fit into a Wal-Mart bag.  But no; like Daddy, Larry is a man of few needs and wants.  In the end, I settled for a nice birthday card; and after Daddy, Jon and I signed it, I handed it to Larry, wishing him a happy birthday tomorrow.

You’d think I’d done something wonderful.  Larry smiled real big, said thank you and immediately opened the envelope to get to the prized card inside.  As I looked on, I told Larry if he EVER needed anything from Wal-Mart on a Tuesday, he could count on me.

Someday I hope Larry will need to redeem my offer.  Not because I can ever repay Larry for his kindness to Daddy.  But just because I’d like to do something kind for this kind man who has been unable to walk for twenty years.  Larry shares his voice with Daddy.  I offer to share my legs with Larry.  Not exactly quid pro quo.  But the kind thing to do when, as the Rolling Stones sing, “life grows unkind.”

Happy Birthday Larry.

 

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