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an everyday life

an everyday life

Tag Archives: Death

No More

17 Tuesday Nov 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bad News Days, Carly Simon, Death, Never Been Gone, Prayer, Soul Care, Suffering, Writing

Today’s newspaper headlines should glisten with unshed tears:  “NICHOLS HILLS DOCTOR….JAILED IN SON’S DEATH”.

Nichols Hills is where money lives and breeds here in central Oklahoma.  And after reading a few details — 9 years old boy, Mom bruised in attempts to protect her son  and allowing myself a mere glance at the photos of the dad and son — I can bring myself to read no more. 

Why God?  Tell me how such a thing like this could happen?  Would any answer matter?  A little boy is dead.  This young boy was alive on Sunday.  Maybe he was happy then.  I’d like to think so.  Yet, sometime between Sunday happiness and Tuesday news headline, all hell broke loose.  Something terrible went wrong in Nichols Hills.  And it’s all over but the crying.  And I am terribly sad.

I grieve the loss of this young boy I did not know.  And I wonder about the irony of one who can take the Hippocratic oath “to do no harm” and do the worst sort of bodily harm that can be done to another.  And to his own child?  I am not consoled by my belief that this child is “now in a better place”, even though I believe it is so.  How can I not, when I allow myself to skirt thoughts of the last scary seconds of this boy’s young life?

Some will ask — as I just have — why God allows such suffering to happen in the world?  Why does God grant us such freedom, such power over another’s life, that human kind (or in some cases, human evil) could play God and snuff out the life of some young child — or some old man — or some whoever.   Minds better than mine have written on this topic — Philip Yancey and C.S. Lewis are two.  I must leave such high places of thought where angels fear to tread.

But a response does come at me like a freight train; God gives us such power so that we can make the right choices, so that we can love as we all want and need to be loved, so that we can bring up each other in the way that we should go, as the old Proverb says.  God entrusts the needy to us, hoping that we will shower them with love rather than with bullets — that we will feed them when they are hungry, clothe them when they are naked and give them shelter when they are cold. 

I don’t know whether this young boy died by a bullet wound or in some other way.  I didn’t let myself get that deep into this real-life horror story that is worse than any horror flick ever made by Quentin Tarantino.

Forgive me Father God.  For I need to go bury my head, like a baby ostrich in the sandbox, not ready for the scary sands of primetime news stories.  I want to pretend that everyone lives happily ever after.  And as for this boy, who now lives in the happily ever after, there is no need for pretense.

I offer this gift of words to this little boy that is no more; a boy that is no longer here at least.

And I offer this boy a prayerful hymn to accompany him on his journey.  It’s a tune of Carly Simon’s, one I’ve told my son Kyle that I wish sung at my own funeral some day.  It’s a great unknown song — for a great unknown little boy — a song that talks about coming home.  This is the best and only way I can love this boy right now — to let Carly sing him home.

 

Word Robbery

10 Tuesday Nov 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home, Soul Care

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Death, Everyday Life, Soul Care, Writing

Two days ago, my husband and I came within inches of being broadsided by a car who ran a red light.  It happened just down the street, at the intersection of Northwest 8th and Walker, within easy walking distance of our house.  It’s ironic that I’m always more alert for driving mishaps on the freeway; but when I let down my protective guard so close to home, we almost get nailed in the crossroads of a sleepy intersection.  

I never saw the car coming until it zoomed in front of the nose of our car.  Had we been a second earlier, had the other driver been a second later, had my husband not seen the car coming, had my husband not had such quick reflexes, had our car’s brakes not been so darn good, had the other car not been flying through the intersection so fast, well….   life would be very different.  How different I do not know.  But this I do know:  I never saw the car coming until our car had screeched to a complete stop and the red car blurred across my vision.  It was over in seconds.  I didn’t even have time to be scared.  The driver of the other car didn’t slow until half way up the next block.

Coming into the intersection, I had been chattering about something I can longer remember.  Leaving the intersection, I had no more words.  My husband and I didn’t bother to replay the scene on the way home, or anytime before bed or even yesterday or today; we had no desire to dissect it in post-mortem; instead, my husband voiced his thanks for good brakes, while I voiced thanks for a good driver.

Words become inconsequential when encountering eternity.  Maybe this is why we stumble for words when we visit family or friends who have recently lost a loved one; or why earlier this year, I just kept silent when viewing the Grand Canyon; I wrote then to utter words would merely have been profane.   Driving away unscathed from the intersection Sunday night was something akin to being around death or gazing upon natural wonders.  Both rob you of words.

What else can I tell about this?  To write anymore will shrink the experience.  Words fail me mightily.

The Last Scarecrow

08 Sunday Nov 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

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Tags

Death, Everyday Life, Parents

“I would not be just a nuffin’
My head all full of stuffin’
My heart all full of pain
I would dance and be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain.”

                –      The Wizard of Oz

My sister’s working hard to get my parent’s home ready for sale.  Their not-so-old farmhouse sits on a five acre tract of land  that has been in my mother’s family longer than I have.  It’s sad to think that it no longer will be.  But what choice is there?  It’s too much for my sister to manage on her own.

So far, most of Christi’s efforts have been spent on the house, which with the land, are the property’s strongest selling points.  Sitting on the liability side of the balance sheet  are the garage and  storage building.  Both are  stuffed to the gills with who-know’s-what; all of which must be removed, as either building on its own has the potential to scare off buyers.   

The storage building was the foundation of Mom’s long-held dream of running a little gift store just steps from her front door.  Most didn’t think it would survive so far from town, and ultimately, the naysayers proved right.  The store soon closed its doors and the building became a convenient place to store all of Mom’s supplies and her very raw materials. 

Mom was crafty.  If anyone could turn the yards and yards of fabric and lace and all the broken furniture and other junk into treasure, Mom was one to do it; of course, it would have helped had Mom lived longer, bought less or if Mom had enjoyed some of the nine lives of the scary cat who  once called the storage building home. 

One of the last crafts Mom made for me was a four-foot scarecrow.  Like most of Mom’s work, the scarecrow was made from scratch,  —  a little fabric, raffia, rope, paint and stuffing — all from her storehouse of clutter.  When it was finished, Mom dressed it in one of Dad’s old shirts and a pair of Dad’s old soft blue jeans.  I once thought this scarecrow that hangs out in my foyer in the autumn months was Mom’s last scarecrow.  However, I now see this honored title rightfully belongs to the storage building of my sister’s scary inheritance.

It was the storage building, and my sister’s talk of demolition, that drove my husband and I to visit yesterday;  we came not to actually begin the work of  heavy lifting, but to assess and make plans on where and how to help.  The questions are many; while the clutter makes it hard to stumble upon the right answer.

Is demolishing the best alternative for my parent’s storage building?  Or would it be better to rent huge dumpsters to fill and haul away what anyone in their right mind would call junk or trash?  Maybe a new buyer might find a use for a clean empty building in need of repairs and a makeover; and if not, perhaps the building could be demolished at some later date or even given away.

This last option was Mom’s oldest brother’s plan of attack; Uncle Bob discussed it with my sister a few months after Mom’s passing, then led the charge to clean up my mother’s storage building.  The family crew that gathered in the wintery cold worked hard to fill one huge dumpster with outside debris.  And once the front door was cleared of a rotting front porch, did they, like us, open the door to become quickly overwhelmed?

If so, my aunt wasn’t put off for long.  Aunt Georgia returned to enter those doors and rummage through some of the scraps of Mom’s dreams.  One treasure hunt led her to find a baby book of mine — one I never recall seeing before —  the sort that records family trees and a registry of hospital visitors.  But its surprise appearance has made me wonder what other family memorabilia might be hiding within Mom’s last scarecrow.

Deciding how best to proceed will require a careful balancing act, one that weighs matters of both heart and mind.  If only I didn’t have this tendency to get distracted by clutter and matters of the heart.  If only I had a brain…  If I only had a brain.

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