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an everyday life

an everyday life

Category Archives: Prayer

Dreamsicles

02 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Janell in Life at Home, Prayer, Soul Care, Writing

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Dreams, Everyday Life, Writing


“Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.   — Langston Hughes

I wake to a morning sky parfait, though I am unaware of it.

Instead, wrapped in my own private world, I’m focused on my unloaded dreams — where is that new dream journal?  Before I can find the missing journal, I look out the back door to instead find a red-orange horizon resting under dark blue canvas resting under a striped double ribbon of true orange against true blue.  The ribbon fades and swirls until it’s topped with Dreamsicle Orange.  I devour this rare and lovely morning treat.  Soon, the rising sun will melt its beauty.

Dreams melt away just as quickly.  If I don’t record my dreams on paper in those first waking-up minutes, they slip back to wherever dreams live, buried deep under the more comfining thoughts of everyday life.  So most days, even before I get out of bed, I grab my journal to record my freshly minted dreams.  Weighting the strange disjointed images with words keeps dreams alive, so that I can ponder the images and messages under daylight.

What do our dreams tell us?  Why am I investing part of Lenten morning devotion towards dream work?  Oh, I have my reasons — three good ones, in fact.

The first is that my spiritual director invited me to take a look at my dreams for answers I’ve been seeking.

Then there’s this quote I ran across in a book I’m reading   — Clyde H. Reid’s Dreams — Discovering Your Inner Teacher — that’s part of my spiritual direction coursework:

“Our dreams can show us who we are.  In fact, they can sometimes show us ourselves unmercifully.  If we really want to know ourselves in the deepest ways, we need to record and study our dreams carefully.”

Reading Reid’s words reminded me of a final reason, an invitation I heard from Pulitzer prize-winning author, Marilynne Robinson, a couple of years back, when she was here in Oklahoma to speak at one of our local universities.  “Descend into self to write– discover your primary self — the beautiful, the true; it’s preparation for writing words worth saying.”

Though Reid’s book assures that dreams are not terribly hard to interpret — as long as we remember and record them in a sufficient level of detail — the hard part is remembering them.  Every night I go to sleep asking God to help me remember.   About half of the time I do .  And oh, as I spill out dreams on paper, have I noticed some familiar faces  —  Ms. Perfect and Ms. Workaholic and Ms. Low Self-esteem — while comically wrestling with concerns that consume my waking hours.

My dreams are like an old Hollywood movie that jerks along with missing frames and little plot.   Sitting in a darkened theater, I watch my  dreams play out.  I do not direct the scenes in which I am both actor and audience.  Instead, my dream spins off the reel unfiltered, a poor sort of improvisational comedy.  One scene leads to another — personal worlds collide — past, present and future merge and swirl  as the dead and alive keep each other company.

Dreams are a brave new world of unedited truth.  But under the dreams and under the truth, I believe, is a God that lies at the horizon between humus earth and the heavens, a God whose red hot love waits to burn up all the lies, known and unknown, that have become part of who I believe I am — but am not.  Somewhere in my dreams, waits a God with the keys of true blue to set me free… … so that I can soar with childish abandon and joy that comes from keeping company with Dreamsicles.

Rosie Posies Ashes Down

18 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Janell in Life at Home, Prayer, Soul Care, Writing

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Ash Wednesday, Everyday Life, Lent, Prayer, Soul Care, Writing

Ring around the rosie,
A pocket full of posies.
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down.
– Old Nursery Rhyme

It was no mystery, yesterday, as to why I couldn’t write.

I had allowed a situation to eat away at me and had nothing left to give.  What began in a blinding moment led in the end to self-betrayal, when I forgot who I was and what I stood for.

I can offer excuses.  I was tired.  With three hours sleep and two hours of tossing and turning, I gave up hope and got out of bed at four o’clock.   And then, tired as I was, I allowed emotion and my being on the right side of the law to cloud my thinking when I made an important telephone call five hours later. None of these rationalizations console me.

So rather than think or stew about the dreadful situation, as tired as I was, I began to clean my house.  The house was due for a spa day and it got what it deserved, —  sweeping, dusting, mopping — that down-on-my-knees deep cleaning that even took me to the scary basement before I circled the house over and over, like an old-fashioned ring around the rosie…. until all I could do was fall down.

Too tired to clean anymore, I collapsed in my favorite chair and cleaned up the backlog of recorded gardening programs on my DVR.  And after that, rather than going to Ash Wednesday services to receive a cross of ashes on my forehead, I watched more television with ashes in my mouth, for words I wished I had not spoken in that early morning telephone call.  With no words to write, I went to bed; and amazing as it now seems, I slept like a young school girl free of trouble and cares.

This morning, I woke up refreshed, ready to face what I could not bear yesterday.  And alone with my thoughts, a cup of coffee and an empty page in my journal, I began to unravel tension into the most marvelous insight:  It was not too late to set the situation right.

It was not too late to stop hiding behind a law that was there to protect me.   This wrong —  that I lost sleep over yesterday, that had so clouded my thinking, which could not be shed in so many acts of housecleaning, this wrong that the legal statutes say is not mine to set right — could still be made right as long as I allowed love to have its way.  And so it happened that I bowed to love.

Something happened shortly after I made the call.  I’ll call that something love — a warmth of love that flooded my insides from head to toe.  I wish I could describe more clearly what exactly I mean by this, but I can’t.  I can only say that I felt washed by grace, that the burden I had wrestled with yesterday was lifted and that these words are pouring out faster than I can now write.

Afterwards, I sat still.  I sat with the phone receiver still beside me, and my favorite biblical passage on love — the one that resides in those first twenty-five verses of the seventeenth chapter of St. John’s Gospel — open on my lap.

I am left with this sense that there are some things we do in life for no good reason but love.  These actions make no common sense.  Nor do they make good business sense.  Love alone can trump all our senses.

And giving in to love, I feel more like my old self.   Or maybe it would be truer to say I feel better than my old self.  For surely something Holy was leading me toward that better way of love, just as surely as something was teaching me that the better way to mark Ash Wednesday was with ashes on my forehead rather than ashes on my tongue.

I prefer those Ash Wednesday words I wrote in the sand a year ago.

Morning Glory

25 Monday Jan 2010

Posted by Janell in Life at Home, Prayer, Soul Care, The Great Outdoors

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Everyday Life, Morning Devotion, Prayer, Soul Care

The navy sky will soon fade from the sun’s washing of light.

For now it’s dark in Mesta Park.   I sit in my favorite living room chair looking out my dining room window.  The house is quiet, my husband off to work at the smallish former servant’s quarters outback.  The dogs, replete with food, have settled in all around me to sleep.  The candle is lit, bouncing light off the walls, while a prayer-book and Bible wait in my lap.

The words will keep, while watching the blue colors change outside my window will not.  I’ve no popcorn to eat, but I hold a strong cup of coffee to help me wake up with the day.  The curtain of clouds is open today and the promise of color waits for its call.

This morning glow show is one I never grow tired of — navy turns to unwashed denim to washed denim and corals and oranges and pinks mix into the crowded blue — meanwhile the artificial light, that glows through the windows of other houses surrounding me, reduces from stark contrast until lost in the sea of sunshine.

Eventually, my eyes let go of the scene playing on the screen outside my dining room windows.  I turn my head to look out another window, but my eyes get caught by the light playing over my favorite Thomas Kinkade print, one appropriately called, Morning Glory Cottage.

I love everything about this charming little cottage — the blue roof, the fence out front, its name.  And though I cannot detect them with my eye, I know riotous heavenly blue morning glories grow somewhere on the face of that old cottage.  Yellow light glows behind the windows, and I think, how good my cobalt blue glass would look sitting on the window ledge.

Someday, I hope to live in a cozy cottage like this one, when I’m too old to climb the stairs of this lovely old two-story of mine.  Or maybe I’ll downsize to a one-story before then, when I’m ready for a smaller place.  Someday will come all too soon.

For now, morning has broken and its glory surrounds me.  I look out my sanctuary upon the sky in worship.  Only then can I break open the prayer-book to read.

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