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an everyday life

Category Archives: Life at Home

Hope Chests

01 Friday May 2009

Posted by Janell in Good Reads, Life at Home

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Aging, Death, Eudora Welty, Everyday Life, Home Health Care, Parents, Writing

I’ve been thinking a little about hope chests after reading a short story of Eudora Welty’s last night, titled Lily Daw and the Three Ladies.

Lily is a simple-minded character, not only in the sense that she is unwise in the ways of the world, but in the sense that she’s not ‘all there’. There’s just something ‘not quite right’ about Lily, and while Lily doesn’t seem to know or care about her shortcomings, the entire small Southern town in which she lives does everything it can to protect Lily from the world and from herself.

Especially the ‘three ladies’ who’ve made plans for Lily’s life—and though it’s not said in so many words, it appears they plan to send Lily to some kind of institution, the kind of place that takes care of those unable to care for themselves. And when they discover that Lily is planning to marry some traveling man who they just know has taken advantage of poor Lily’s innocence, who they just know has fed poor Lily a line about marriage to have his way with her, they take off in a conniption fit to save poor Lily from herself.  Like three cruise missiles built in the name of protection, I wondered if Lily’s three protectors wouldn’t instead inflict destruction on their path of salvation.  It takes some convincing to get Lily to finally abandon her own plans to go along with the plan of her three defenders, but go along she does.  With one condition — that her hope chest goes with her.

Well…you’ll just have to read the short story for yourself to find out how it all ends.  But its easy to see why Eudora Welty was considered a master of the short story, with all the lovely and true nuances of everyday life she’s able to pack into eight short pages.  I went to sleep thinking about hope chests.  And woke up remembering my own that I began as a young teenager.  Thinking of my own two daughters, I wonder if  this tradition of young girls sitting aside treasured pieces for a future hasn’t  just shriveled up and died.  But then possessing hope for a good future goes hand in hand with those who are young and have no reason to believe any different, even without a chest.

So then I turned to those who are no longer young, like my daddy, with his own set of launched cruise missiles that call themselves ‘home health.’  With Daddy banging himself up from his many falls, home health has recommended we put Dad into a nursing home.  My sister and I know ‘they’ have the best of intentions, and that maybe these words have to be said  to avoid later threats of medical malpractice, but Daddy would shrivel up and die quicker in a nursing home than if left to his unsafe self in his unsafe home.   

Nursing homes may be safe – more or less– but they’re also sterilized of all hope.   Both my granny and papa died in a nursing home within their first month of calling it home and we’ve no reason to believe it would be any different with Dad.  After all, what sounds good in theory and in intention doesn’t always prove itself  true when it comes to everyday practice and reality.

Even simple-minded Lily knew she couldn’t let go of her hope chest.  And by ignoring the dooms day threats from all the cruise missiles flying around us and Daddy, maybe my sister and I are just tying to offer Daddy a bunker filled with hope and a future.   At least for now, while we can.

I think I’ll keep Eudora’s collection of short stories on my nightstand.   Who knows but that The Collected Stores of Eudora Welty aren’t a treasure chest in their own right.

Birthdays

29 Wednesday Apr 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

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Writing

My daughter Kara was born at 3:12 a.m., twenty-seven years ago today.  Kate and Bryan were in the early morning arrival club as well– Kate came at 1:28 a.m. and Bryan at 5:12 a.m.  But from the moment of his birth, Kyle has always marched to the beat of a different drum.    

 

Kyle was born sometime around 3:30 in the afternoon.  The exact time is not embedded in my mind, mostly due to the numbing power of anesthesia, which kept me in a place safely removed from time and pain.  My first three were delivered without benefit of drugs, so I was very conscious of time, from the timing of contractions to breathing to watching the clock and wondering why time seemed to drag.  But with Kyle I knew no time or pain–just pure undiluted joy.       

 

Joy and truth came into my life with the help of a little anesthesia last summer, when Kara waited for me to have a routine medical procedure that those over the age of fifty are advised to do.  As the anesthesia was wearing off, I entertained Kara with some silly dialogue, which she enjoyed sharing with me the next day.  But according to Kara, before uttering any words, I simply gazed at her face for a full ten seconds.  

 

 “It’s so good to see your face.  I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

“Wasn’t she pretty?”

“Who?”

“My doctor.”

“Yes.  She is.”

“What are you sewing on?”

“I wasn’t sewing.  I was reading.”

“Oh, I think I’m remembering Mom sewing, when I woke from anesthesia after having my wisdom teeth out.”

 “I’m hungry.  She said I could have a big breakfast afterwards.”

“You want me to take you out for breakfast.  Wouldn’t you rather me pick it up and bring it to you.”

“No.”  “I’m thirsty.”

Speaking to the nurse, “Can she have some water?” 

Then to me, “All you can have is some ice.” 

“Ummm,” in response to receiving a piece of ice.

“Does it taste good?”

“Ummm.”

 

I thought about this experience– both my silliness and the naked innocence it revealed– for several months before talking with anyone about it.  But when it came time to talk, I chose to discuss it with my spiritual director, because he’s good at helping me sift for truth and in his former life as a orthopedic surgeon, I thought he might have some insights between truth-telling and anesthesia.

 

I admitted to Curt that I’ve never felt closer to my truest self as when coming out of anesthesia; I had no self-consciousness; I was so comfortable in my own skin that there was no shadow of a false self to trip over.  I spoke unfiltered truth, with no thought of trying to please the listener or to make myself look good.  I was simply a human being at its most human; if I was hungry, I talked about it.  If I was thirsty, I let my need be known.  None of this, “Oh, don’t worry about me.  I can wait.”  “Or, I don’t want to put you to any trouble,” nonsense.  No, it was almost as if the anesthesia had made me forget the need to remake myself into what I was not. Time and the pain of many behavior correcting lessons fell away, leaving me once again as honest as a young child, expressing the truth of basic needs without a need of societal filters.

 

By sharing my childlike silliness with me, Kara unknowingly launched me on a search where I have worked to uncover my truest self.  She gave birth to this search as surely as I give birth to her twenty-seven years ago.  And I have been deeply enriched by both births. 

 

Happy birthday, Kara Liz.  

Good Night, Moonshadow

28 Tuesday Apr 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home, The Great Outdoors

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Aging, Cat Stevens, Death, Everyday Life, Parents, Writing

There’s a lovely crescent moon out tonight doing its best to light the night sky.  This little sliver of a moon is encircled by a halo of light that looks like smudged paint.  Could it be moon dust, I wonder? 

 

 If I were to write a book called Good Night Moon, my moon would definitely be crescent shaped.   I would ask it to shine its light into my daddy’s bedroom window so he would no longer be afraid of the night.  Maybe if it could shine bright enough, it would help daddy stop bumping into floors.  Dad’s wearing a bad shiner right now around his left eye.  Last week it was crescent shaped, but now it’s a full moon encircling his eye.  Purple, blue and yellow—he says it doesn’t hurt.

 

I would tell my moon how thankful I am that my brother Jon has been able to help me care for Dad this Tuesday and last.  As I do the housekeeping, Jon helps Daddy with personal care.  It feels good to help Dad the way he helped us kids when we were little.  This circle of caregiving shows that we have a cycle just as the moon does.  Where the moon goes from a blank new moon to a gorgeous full moon back to a blank new moon, we humans begin life needy and end life needy.  And in the middle, when we are full of ourselves and our own light, we are still needy though we often do not see our need.  It is probably our own blinding light that makes us a little dim-witted.

 

I would tell my moon that I’m now on the light-dimmer side.  The light is slipping out of my moon bit by bit, and in a mere twenty years, I’ll be close to my father’s age.  God willing.  And I can’t even imagine living the shrunken shriveled life my daddy is living right now – too frail to walk, too frail to talk.  Is he becoming a new moon – invisible to the eye, but there all the same?

 

The moon borrows its light from the sun.  And Daddy borrows his light from us.  And like that lovely crescent moon outside my window tonight, Daddy is doing his best to light up his world. 

 

Cat Stevens sang a song called Moonshadow that speaks to Daddy’s dimming light.    

 

“And if I ever lose my legs, I won’t moan, and I won’t beg,

Yes if I ever lose my legs, oh if … I won’t have to walk no more.

And if I ever lose my mouth, all my teeth, north and south,

Yes if I ever lose my mouth, oh if… I won’t have to talk…”

 

I guess that smudge paint halo that tonight’s crescent moon is wearing is a moon shadow.  Good night, moonshadow.  

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