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an everyday life

an everyday life

Category Archives: Life at Home

Lake Wanderings

23 Thursday Jul 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home, Soul Care

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College Sports, Death, Everyday Life, Raising Children, Soul Care, Travel, Writing

My husband is on his way to Lake Eufala.  I wish I was heading east too.  But  someone has to stay behind to keep our canines corralled, to prevent ‘The  Wild West Show’ from galloping across Mesta Park.  And this time around, that someone is me, though Annie Oakley I am not.  

It’s never easy to say goodbye to Don.  Even for today’s overnight visit.  One might think I would be quite practiced at this art of well-wishing and putting on a brave front at the point of departure.  But maybe saying good-bye is less a fine art than it is a science, for Lord knows, I was never good at science.

The poodles could teach me a thing or two about their science of saying good-bye.  It’s the same formula every time, as Max and Maddie–letting their love hang out for all the world to see–run around in aggitated circles until they finally come to terms with the sad news of impending departure.  Then, in acceptance, they stand up on their hind legs to catch that final glimpse of their departing loved one, as the car backs  out of the driveway.   Just like children, the poodles don’t worry about keeping their true feelings on ice.  Nor do they mind making the dearly departed feel a little like a heel for leaving them behind. 

Sending Don to the lake is my gift to Don and to his Mother.  Monday she called, to say that she and Don’s step-dad were taking Micalea to the lake.   Micaela is Janice’s only great-granddaughter, and as if that isn’t enough to make her special, Micaela is the living legacy of Janice’s favorite grandson Michael.  It’s not fair to have favorites, whether it be children or grandchildren.  But favorites sometimes exist, whether or not openly acknowledged.  And, quoting all moms everywhere: “who said life was fair?”  Or death, for that matter.  Especially the kind that took Mike in a horrible car crash four years ago this December.

The news of the crash made the AP wire, as Mike and his best friend Darrell–who then played for the Oakland Raiders–had played football together at USC.  The AP reporting and all the other articles that sprang up out of the crash created a big splash at first–but as with all concentric circles created by a big splash, the outward edges have grown faint with the passage of time.  But meanwhile, at the dark hole center that swallowed Mike’s life, where those closest to Mike remain to live and love, the wounds of his too early departure are still sharply felt.  By some the wounds of loss are endured silently.  By others not so.     

Yet healing awaits for those who wander away to the lake house, for memories of happier times continue to live at that modest place that sits on a grassy hill overlooking the water.  Most of the year it stands empty, waiting to offer a bit of healing to those who come, an innocent kind of magic born from the mixture of happy children and hot summer days.  The best childhood memories were born into my children at this place.  And I imagine the same was true for Mike, as I recall his happy ten year old face as he skied across the lake twenty-three summers ago.  And while she won’t be skiing, I hope Micaela’s ten year old face is also now glowing with happiness that will one day grow into the loveliest of memories.      

As my mind wanders back in time, I realize that this is Micaela’s second visit to the lake, though her first came courtesy of her mother’s womb.  Don was at the lake that summer too, as Janice was most anxious about Mike marrying at such a young age–for knowing Mike as she did, she feared his plans for a rushed marriage might stem from a sense of duty rather than love–so Don was there to offer his rock-steadying presence.  Of course, once the family met Micaela’s mom, and saw how well she fit in and how well she loved Mike, there was a whole lot less to worry about.   

A part of Mike’s love rests in Micaela.  And eleven years later, a remnant of those who loved Mike surround his daughter, to help her create her own special brand of memories.  Somehow, I hope Micaela’s memory-making will transcend the bounds of time to reach out to wherever her father now plays in eternity.  Maybe spirits of our past selves wander across the face of the lake and maybe our current selves do too, whether they rest in the now or in the forever more.  If so, then I believe Mike and I are gathered at the lake house too, cheering Micaela on as she mixes up a little summer magic, enough that makes us thank God we’re alive in the spirit.  

Moon Sayings

20 Monday Jul 2009

Posted by Janell in Far Away Places, Life at Home

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1969, Everyday Life, Moon Landing, Writing

Does it seem like forty years ago today that man first landed on the moon? 

In spite of the passage of time, I still feel like that same girl I’ve always been, though admittedly forty years of life has toughened and hopefully wizened me up a bit.  I don’t bother trying to hide that I’m a little gray around the edges;  why pretend to be younger than I am or something that I’m not?  I’m getting old and my gray hair reminds me that I’m older today than my parents were then.  And with hindsight and my perch forty years into the future, I now see that my parents were not so very old or uncool after all.  Like most middle-age, middle-class parents of the sixties, mine were simply doing their best to raise three normal children with traditional values, against an out-of-sync landscape of ‘hippies’ and happenings like Woodstock and movies like Rosemary’s Baby and Midnight Cowboy. 

Yet as man was first landing on the moon, my then not-so-old, not-so-cool parents were trying to land a parking spot in mid-town Manhattan, in order to string together a few unforgettable memories for themselves and their young family.  Much flimsier than moon rocks gathered by the astronauts, my own souvenirs of sight-seeing in New York City that day consist of three small memories.

The first:  Riding the speedy elevators amidst many ear poppings to the top of the Empire State Building, where hanging out with the clouds, we swayed with the building as we looked down in wonder on the streetscape to see taxi cabs the size of Matchbox cars and people the size of ants.  The second:  Walking the city sidewalks to find a cafeteria that served mediocre food in a family friendly fashion, that is, easy on the parent’s pocketbook and blind to lapses in their children’s table manners.  But it’s the third sight, the one of Times Square streaming with people–that will eternally mark the moon landing event into mind and make me forever thankful to my parents for taking us into the Big Apple on July 20, 1969–a Times Square that marked time for busy people who took time to look up and celebrate a message written in lights moving across a towering marquee that repeated itself over and over: “Man lands safely on the Moon.”

It’s safe to say that the men on the moon had a better view of the world than I did on the observation deck of the Empire State Building.  And it’s also safe to say, that as poor as it was, my food was better than whatever space food they had to consume that day.  But, somehow, standing in Times Square, gazing at that sign of the times, no one had the upper hand.  I felt connected to those men on the moon as I’m sure many did, even as I wondered about their safety and that of the world’s.  In a doomsday fashion, I wondered if the world would end this day?  Would we all die when the astroanauts finally stepped foot on the moon?  I don’t know where I got these dark fanciful ideas, but I do recall that it was late at night before the first step was actually taken, and that back in a New Jersey motel bed, I ended up sleeping through the entire event.   And the world went on.

Yet, did the world go on in a way that lived up to the promise shimmering within Neil Armstrong’s famous words?  Like the announcement on the Times Square marquee, Armstrong’s words were transmitted over radio signals and over and over on televisions signals to help ensure that anyone living that day could never forget them–“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”–as he took that first historic step on mankind’s behalf.   I do not question the value of technology or the inventions that grew out of our race to the moon.  Rather it’s the fact that then, like now, we are still at war–then Viet Nam, now Iraq.  All the expansion of knowledge from our space exploration has not led us toward advances in seeking and attaining peace.  We love no better now than then.  And the idealist in me cries out that if only, everyone could believe that each life is precious and sacred.  I mean really believe it.  And if only everyone could express this belief with actions and words.  Even with silly words, like that other moon saying my mother-in-law is so fond of using… “I love you to the moon and back!”

I love you to the moon and back.  Even such simple and silly words as these could lead us to take that giant leap for mankind to the shimmering Promised Land embedded in Armstrong’s words; if only they were universally held to be true.  If only.

The Gospel of Daddy

14 Tuesday Jul 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

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Aging, Everyday Life, Parents, Writing

Our empty nest home almost never receives a phone call past eight o’clock at night — unless it’s Monday evening  at nine-thirty, when my brother Jon calls to coordinate our Tuesday visit with Daddy.  So late phone calls– especially in my life here of late–inevitably mean one thing:  some sort of bad news about Daddy.  So last night at nine o’clock, I steeled myself for whatever bad news was coming my way when the phone rang and I looked down to see “Seminole Estates” on our Caller ID screen. 

It was Nurse Patty on the other end, letting me know my father had asked her to call me.  Wow.  I admit Patty’s words robbed me of speech.  Daddy wanted to talk to me?  Even in Daddy’s prime, Daddy rarely picked up the phone to call someone.  And I can’t ever recall Daddy picking up the phone to call me.  In our shared past, whenever Daddy wanted to check up on ‘us kids’, Daddy would ask Mom to call us.  So I was left to wonder what great need had inspired Daddy to break out of his life long habit–this Daddy of mine who ironically worked for the phone company for over thirty years– to finally “reach out and touch someone”, to borrow that same company’s late twentieth century campaign slogan?” 

In the seconds it took Patty to hand the phone receiver to my father, my mind was racing with all sorts of possibilities.  Looming at the top was the thought that Nurse Patty had likely called the wrong daughter.  It was a logical conclusion to make, as every time I visit, Daddy struggles up a few slurred words to ask me to call Christ about Taco and Eve, the latest two strays that are receiving a second chance at life in Daddy’s home because of my sainted sister, St Francis of Rock Creek.  So every time I visit, I try to put Daddy’s mind to rest by calling Christi for a dog report and whatever cute dog stories Christi wants me to share with Daddy.

But last night when I asked Daddy if Patty had called me rather than Christi by mistake, Daddy did not respond.  I’ve learned that Daddy only answers what is worth his while to answer.  He refuses to waste time or words on bad news.  Which is why he refuses to talk about those long ago years of his childhood past, when he was treated like an unwanted stray dog by his mother’s family.  And as I think about all the years I’ve known Daddy, I see Daddy has never been able to deliver bad news–whether in the name of childhood discipline or tough love or whatever flavorful phrase society chooses to call it at the moment–even if it was for someones supposed ‘own good’ .  The thought that bad news could be good news just never held water for Daddy.  So tonight, even if I had been called by mistake, I was never going to hear about it from Daddy’s own lips.  

So giving up that ghost, I moved on to ask Daddy how he was doing.  “Oh….pretty good”, he said, as if wrangling three words together was no mighty feat if I hit on a subject matter worth talking about.  Shaking my head in amazement at Daddy’s short of miraculous comeback over the last three weeks, I began to remind Daddy that I would be down this afternoon and that if Jon wanted to come, I would bring Jon with me.  I asked Daddy if there was anything special I could bring him?  Sometimes  I bring Cosmos, our new little Scottie girl.  Sometimes I bring a chocolate milkshake or some ice-cold V-8 tomato juice for him to drink.   But again, with a little bit of hard work, he offered me five more words to treasure:  Clear as a bell, he said, “Nothing I can think of.”  

Wow.  Minor miracles all.  A late phone call that brought good news by Daddy’s own mouth.  I enjoyed a couple of more exchanges before telling Daddy how good he was doing and how happy I was about his progress.  To think that four weeks ago I had begun exploring long-term nursing home options, preparing for the thought that Daddy might never come home.  And now, here I sit envisioning the opposite — the miraculous possiblity that Daddy could be home by summer’s end.

I give the credit to Daddy’s deep down desire and hope, which for me, is another way of saying God.  Daddy’s eating good, with nary a strangle, to regain weight lost a few months ago.  And according to his rehab team, Daddy’s working hard to regain his balance and swallowing skills.   But what about this reaching out to nurses to help him connect with his family?  I mean, who is this masked man?  It seems Daddy’s progress is not only helping him regain his recent physical diminshment, but also healing some old emotional wounds along the way.  

This gospel story in the making of Daddy’s summer progress is the best sort of goods news. 

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