In a couple of weeks, my ‘noisy’ Ignatius retreat will be over. My bags are a little lighter for the journey but I’ve still plenty to unpack, which will help make room for the ‘spiritual writings’ I can once again read.
In anticipation of this, I’ve set about collecting old favorites and buying a few new ones. For some reason, I’m especially drawn toward picking up writings of Evelyn Underhill. Someone once told me that Ms. Underhill called God by the name ‘Reality.’ I want to know more about how she came to her God name just as I wish to know more about anyone who found God real enough to name ‘Reality’.
Being real is important to me, which goes hand in hand with this idea of being more comfortable in my own skin. I think my journey with Ignatius has helped with both, though God knows, my work in both areas has only just begun. My pretending to be something other than who I am began early in life. First grade, actually. So I’ve acquired more than a few masks and costumes and magical tricks along the way. It will take a lifetime to unpack my acccumulations and my tendencies.
For instance, why do I begin thinking about moving every spring? I’ve worked so hard on this lovely old house we live in, and while some work remains, I know the lion’s share is already done. It’s hard for me to rest on my laurels. I want to go out and buy another historical ‘diamond in the rough’ and start all over. Hocus Pocus, presto chango: The ugly duckling becomes a beautiful swan. The house next door would be a good duck candidate. But my neighbor is probably a ‘lifer’. And this much neglected house will outlive both my neighbor and my own magician’s interest.
Then there’s my writing. Right now I have a writing project in mind. And even though I began it about a week ago, I can’t motivate myself to get back to it. I’ve no excuses other than fear or lack of interest, because with my husband gone, I’ve time on my hands to devote to it. Time and a too quiet house, with a new writing desk pushed into the corner, with shades drawn. I’ve all the necessary ingredients, but no interest in the task at hand.
I grow bored easily, and while I enjoy the creative process, the creating process can be a lot of drudgery. Except those times when I begin writing words I had no notion to write. Sometimes words just come and leave my fingers all tingly from their writing. And I imagine some of those ‘spiritual’ writers that I long to read know exactly what I’m writing about. This may be part of the reason I wish to cozy up to them right now. I want to unpack their thoughts and let them rest in my own mind and heart. And maybe something of their experiences and words will stir me to unpack and write about my own sacred souvenirs.
Sounds a little like magic. But probably more like ‘Reality.’