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an everyday life

Tag Archives: Nursing Homes

Daddy Tuesday

03 Tuesday Nov 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Everyday Life, Nursing Homes, Parents

“There’s no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain’t life unkind?
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you.”
— Ruby Tuesday, The Rolling Stones

The heart of every Tuesday belongs to Daddy.

The 1957 Model -- Me & Dad

Our visits begin with a stop in Norman to pickup my brother Jon.  It helps to have a reality check for visits with Daddy;  Jon is mine and I hope I’m his.

Even before we’re out of the Norman city limits, we begin to quiz one another about what lies ahead of us; which Daddy will we see at the end of today’s journey?  Will today be a good day, or one not-so-good like last Tuesday?

On good days, Daddy knows we are there.  On a bad day, who can say what Daddy knows?  He sleeps through our visit, oblivious of worldly cares or visitors.  But for our own peace of mind, we might as well not be there;  I’m pretty sure Dad would be none the wiser.  Of course, I realize that what I call bad days may not be from Daddy’s perspective.   In reality, the bad days may be those when Dad’s totally alert to his surroundings and his own diminishment.

By all counts, today was a good day.  So good that Daddy did not want it to end.  Jon and I are ‘on’ to Dad’s delaying tactics — instead of a child who needs a drink of water at bedtime, Daddy’s ploy is that he needs to tell us something important.  This can eat up quite a bit of time for one who can’t communicate.  It took five long minutes to realize Dad was asking for an ink pen to write with.  Thirty minutes later, after many false starts, we still had no idea of Daddy’s urgent message.  All Dad could write was “How does….?”, “How does…?”

blog_09_1103_3On days like today, Daddy is a scratched record stuck in a groove.  So I reach out to pull Daddy and his message out of the dark oblivion.   “How does what…. Daddy?  Give us a noun please.”  We never did get that noun out of Daddy; it never saw the light of day.  Whether there was really a message in Dad’s mind or not, we’ll never really know.

However, this we know for sure:  Tomorrow is Larry’s 79th birthday.  Daddy and Larry share a room; and more than that, I learned today that Larry is Daddy’s ‘go-to’ person when we’re not there.  Larry greeted us today with news that Daddy has been without his television remote for the last two days.  Especially now, at this stage in Daddy’s life, television is everything to Daddy.  I didn’t even sit down.  I searched the room one last time;  and as I wondered what we would have done without Larry’s help, I suddenly remembered Christi telling me about Larry’s birthday.

“Larry, is there anything I can pick up for you at Wal-Mart?”
“No, thank you.”
“A book or magazine maybe?”
“No, thank you.”

I had hoped Larry would voice some need; some small want that would fit into a Wal-Mart bag.  But no; like Daddy, Larry is a man of few needs and wants.  In the end, I settled for a nice birthday card; and after Daddy, Jon and I signed it, I handed it to Larry, wishing him a happy birthday tomorrow.

You’d think I’d done something wonderful.  Larry smiled real big, said thank you and immediately opened the envelope to get to the prized card inside.  As I looked on, I told Larry if he EVER needed anything from Wal-Mart on a Tuesday, he could count on me.

Someday I hope Larry will need to redeem my offer.  Not because I can ever repay Larry for his kindness to Daddy.  But just because I’d like to do something kind for this kind man who has been unable to walk for twenty years.  Larry shares his voice with Daddy.  I offer to share my legs with Larry.  Not exactly quid pro quo.  But the kind thing to do when, as the Rolling Stones sing, “life grows unkind.”

Happy Birthday Larry.

 

Daddy & Larry

13 Tuesday Oct 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Aging, Everyday Life, Mission Impossible, Nursing Homes, Parents

Daddy was sitting with the aides in the dining room when we arrived today. He saw us before Jon and I saw him.  And while I’d like to think Daddy was watching for our arrival, that might be going a bit far.  But expected or not, Daddy was all smiles, and it was good to arrive to Daddy’s big smile.

We quickly stole Daddy away from his aides, wheeling him toward the bedroom, that for the last six weeks, Daddy has shared with Larry.  Larry probably knows Daddy as good as anyone these days.  Paralyzed from the waist down for the last twenty years, Larry observes life from flat on his back. 

About a month ago, Larry motioned me to his bedside with a whisper:

“How old is your father”?
“Seventy-nine.”.
“Is that all?”  “That’s MY age.  I thought your Dad was an old man.” 

Old is a relative term I’ve learning and age is only one indicator of the state of old.  Today I learned that even the young-old like Larry (versus the old-old like Daddy) want to be useful, even if paralyzed from the waist down.  So today, while Dad and Jon were watching Bonanza, Larry caught my attention for a bedside conferernce.  And what I got was a brief of Daddy’s nocturnal wanderings.  After the report was in, I found myself admitting my worry about Daddy’s wandering ways; and then confidentially, Larry whispered that he worries about Daddy too.

It seems Daddy has become Larry’s  new found purpose in life.  Working under cover (literally), Larry watches Daddy’s every prohibited move,  everytime Daddy gets it in his demented mind to use his shaky, almost useless legs to get around.  I don’t think Daddy has a clue that Larry is spying on him.  And to Larry’s credit — he’s  becoming a pretty good informant.   He told Christi on Sunday about Daddy’s doings.   And then told the nursing home staff what Daddy was up to when Daddy fell last night.  And today, he was telling me about both.  

Daddy couldn’t ask for a better protector.  Because Larry has a handle on reality where Daddy, even in his better days, lived life in his own little dream world.  Larry is paralyzed and knows it.  Daddy is practically paralyzed and doesn’t know it.  Larry is clear-minded where in a state of dementia, Daddy lives in a fog.  Case in point:  Today at 4:30, I called Christi at work to let Daddy hear her Tuesday dog report.   Fifteen minutes later, just as Jon and I were getting ready to leave, Daddy stalls our departure by  asking me where Christi is.  My mother would have yelled at Daddy for such a silly question — Jack, don’t YOU remember, YOU just talked to Christi a few minutes ago!  Yelling’s not my thing.  I simply answer Dad’s question, by telling Daddy that Christi is at work — as if Daddy’s asking is the most natural thing in the world for him to do.   

On our way out, Larry asks my brother to open the privacy curtain that divides Larry’s space from Daddy’s.  Meanwhile, out in the hallway, I just smile.  With Dad’s family out of the picture, Larry is back on the job, trying to protect Daddy from Daddy.  And with Larry preferring truth to fiction, when do I warn Larry he’s taking on Mission Impossible?

The Comeback Kid

23 Wednesday Sep 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home

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Tags

Aging, Everyday Life, Frank Sinatra, Nursing Homes, Parents

Oh how I was tempted to add a question mark to the end of that title hovering above!  Sometimes a question mark can become a handy hedge against false assumptions or even tempting the fates of  good fortune; it’s sort of a gramatical way for me to knock on wood.  

Can Dad really be the comeback kid?  Amazingly, the last two Tuesdays offer a positive report.  Last week we witnessed a spark of good news when we found Dad had regained the five pounds lost in his most recent health scare.  And for the first time since coming out of the hospital eight weeks ago, Dad chose to stay in his recliner at the end of our visit rather than asking us — with a point of his finger — to be tucked into bed at 5 pm in the afternoon.  Yes.  Dad is coming closer to Dad’s old diminished self.  And as I shake my head to clear the fog, I have only to go back to the series of posts I’ve written on Daddy to see that it was only August when I wondered if it was ready to bring in Hospice. 

So now I find myself wondering whether Dad’s comeback has anything to do with Jon’s good idea to get Dad an IPOD Shuffle two weeks ago.   Dad has always been a lover of music.  And Dad’s new IPOD allows him to listen to seventy of his favorite tunes — mostly vintage Frank Sinatra — any old time he wants to.  And from the reports we received from nursing home personnel, it appears Dad wants to quite frequently, because Dad’s ears have grown sore from plugging in to get his daily dose of Frank.  

The most amazing proof of Dad’s recovery came last Sunday when my sister Christi was cornered by Nurse Patty’s question:  “Did you or other family members bring in food for your father to eat?”  Dad has been limited to receiving food by feeding tube —  in order to minimize the risk of aspiration — since returning from the hospital.  And as far as we knew, Dad had no interest  in  eating.  But after Christi assured Pattty that we had not, Patty reported catching Daddy eating some applesauce, which helped remind Christi of my applesauce purchases of  late June.  By my count, twelve servings were left two weeks ago.  I ran across them when searching for Dad’s lost dentures; and rather them packing the containers up, I opted to leave them in the hope that Dad would one day enjoy the taste of food again.  Apparently, that day arrived without anyone’s knowledge.  Because the drawer that held 12 half-cup individual servings is now mysteriously empty.    

But wait.  There’s more.  The worst of Dad’s food-by-mouth crimes came when nursing home personnel caught Daddy with his hand in the dining hall popcorn machine, scooping up a handful of freshly popped corn.  Not only did Dad break nursing home law to serve himself, but Dad has been unable to eat solids without choking since late May; and it will be at least a few more weeks until Dad’s lost dentures are replaced so that Dad will have the upper teeth he needs to chew solids.  What was Dad thinking?  With Dad’s inability to talk, we’ll never know for sure.  But this I know:  When we asked Dad about the popcorn incident yesterday, Dad just sheepishly grinned.  It seems Dad is endearingly proud of himself.   

And we’re proud of Daddy too.  Sometimes one just has to take life into their own hands.  And Christi, Jon and I all regard Dad’s sneeking and thieving of food as life itself.  So with Dad finally showing us his caught red-handed hand — that he can survive food consumption by mouth — I spoke with rehab yesteray about opportunities for Dad to safely consume food while working on his swallowing exercises. 

That life can be both fragile and strong at the same time is one of life’s mysterious truths.  Which Daddy will we find next Tuesday?  Or even today?  Either way, Daddy’s keeps us dancing as we all shuffle to meet Dad’s changing needs.  And I ask — what better music to dance by than that  of ‘ol blue eyes himself?  And what better song than “That’s Life” to summarize Dad’s year so far?  Join me on the dance floor as we allow Frank to take us out…will you?  Oh, look.  The spotlight is on Dad.

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-- Thornton Wilder, "Our Town"

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