All Shook Up

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“My hands are shaky and my knees are weak
I can’t seem to stand on my own two feet…
Please don’t ask me what’s on my mind
I’m a little mixed up but I’m feeling fine…
My tongue get tied when I try to speak…”

 

By all rights, it should be Daddy singing this old Elvis Presley song tonight.  But he and his speech are too shaky to do it.   So at least he’s safe.  And safe without sound may be all we can ask for right now.    

Dad was caught near the busy road in front of his house this afternoon.  He was on a rescue and recovery mission to save his wandering dogs.  The dogs didn’t want rescuing.  But that’s beside the point.  At least in Daddy’s mind.  It was also beside the point that he’d left the house against Christi’s expressed wishes.  Daddy forgets he’s now house-bound….that he’s no longer mobile.   Even though his legs tell him every minute of his day.      

My cousins Mike and Judy were driving by on their way home.  And seeing Dad outside, they stopped to get him safely into the house.   Part-way there, Daddy’s shaky old legs ran out of steam.  Without warning, his knees buckled.   So they caught him a second time.  

Daddy sat in his recliner for three hours before he regained his small store of strength.  And while he was in recovery, the others were building a front-yard fence to keep the dogs (and Daddy)  corralled.  Christi says it won’t be pretty — but it may be a solution.   

How do you thank people who do out of love what others could not be paid to do?   They were tired themselves, ready to get home–they’d been up early with Mike’s mom (my Aunt Jo)– who had a heart procedure this morning.   And instead of relaxing, they were building a fence.  I know Daddy would thank them if he could string two words together.   I know Christi already has.

The fence may or may not be a solution.  And it may or may not be a beauty.  But I’ll always see it as one.  Because as the old Greek proverb goes — beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  And this beholder is beholden.  For the two who accepted our trouble as their own.      And did more than we could have asked or hoped.         

In spite of being tired and all shook up.

Anchors Aweigh

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“You may say I’m a dreamer…

But I’m not the only one.”

                                    –John Lennon’s  Imagine

Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, I’m rarely 100 percent present.  Maybe this shows I don’t live on the edge enough… since my mind has carte blanche to wander away in a daze of day dreams.

It’s excusable in those first feet-hit-the-floor moments of the day before I walk and shake off my sleepiness.  But I must not walk and shake enough.  Because I float through the rest of the day — anchors aweigh—on my stream of activities only partially awake.  I feed the dogs, get my coffee and glance at the newspaper – headlines only.  And then I pray and work through a spiritual exercise.  After that, I do whatever needs or wants done that day… cooking, gardening and maybe a project or two.  And when I look up, it’s almost time for bed.  And I think.  Where did my day go?  

To keep my days from thinning out into a sea of nothingness, I drop anchor sometime between supper and bed.  I grab my journal and find a quiet and comfy spot to contemplate my day.  And with three simple questions to guide me, I begin the age-old prayer practice, examen of consciousness:  

  1. What happened today that I don’t want to forget… or that I can’t forget?
  2. How was God present in that event?  What quality of God was revealed?
  3. How am I being drawn (or called) to respond?

I set aside no more than ten minutes to do this.  But it’s important I do it before sleep softens the crisp edges of the day. 

This helps me gain my bearings, so I possess a better sense of where I’ve been and where I may go.  It helps me get underneath the surface of life, to uncover the weightier treasures that gets buried in the floor of my unconsciousness.  What were my thoughts about this or that?  What caused me to react in this way or that?  Where are my thoughts and actions taking me?  Am I moving closer to or away from God?

I write what I wish remembered in my journal.  Sometimes I shape my words into written pieces for this blog.  Writing keeps me awake and keeps me real.  But I am enriched by this practice in a way that defies words.  It is beyond words in the same way God is beyond all understanding.  Heady stuff for someone who operates mostly on feelings and intuitions. 

Examen is my anchor to reality…. a way out of my anchors-aweigh daze. 

All Shall Be Well…

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I’m at loose ends.  My new second-string daughter has given me back my morning — she is now able to receive her worldly goods from the movers without my help — and this is good, as this well-intended second-string mom wouldn’t know Lara’s stuff if it hit her in the face. 

So all is well in Lara’s new world — it is exactly as it should be.  And isn’t this what God revealed to that long ago English mystic, Julian of Norwich?–…”that all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”   Truth is truth, no matter when and how and where it is revealed.

So what do I now do with this unexpected gift of time?  It’s nice to have no claim checks for it.   Time just to be is rare, even for me.  Maybe, especially for me, as I tend to pack in more than I can carry with grace.  Lent is a good time to sit and be, to unpack the bulging baggage picked up from all the days that have come before–to take out and examine beliefs once more, to make sure they still fit, if they ever did.  But also to unpack treasured memories, because it is good to remember and to sit bathed in love…. especially when the man you love most is jetting with bags packed toward China….

I’ve been unpacking a lot these past seven months, but not always alone.  As I work through the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius, I connect with reality and truth with the help of my spiritual director and a small group of similarly situated souls at HeartPaths.  It’s proved to be a good work-out.  Already I’ve received many gifts — treasures from the past, a greater awareness of God all around me and the promise of good  things in my future.  Maybe I’ll share in greater detail in another post.  For now, I’m still gaining clarity.  And as I enjoy this unexpected time to rest — it is good to be still and know that all shall be well