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an everyday life

an everyday life

Category Archives: Soul Care

Ash Wednesday

25 Wednesday Feb 2009

Posted by Janell in Soul Care

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Soul Care

Tonight I wear a cross of ashes on the middle of my forehead .  It’s there to remind me of something I’d rather forget.  

“ I am dust.  And to dust I shall return. “

This dust is weighty stuff.  It makes me think about life and death.  It reminds me that death’s inescapable, that it happens to us all, and as it does, that it levels the playing field.  We’ve no bargaining power or currency that will allow us to opt out.  So all of life’s accumulations of fame and fortune and power are irrevocaby snuffed out with our last gasping breath.  Why then, with this all being true, have I spent so much of my life pursuing these, even on the smallest of scales?    

 

This weighty dust reminds me of a dusty Jesus during his desert temptings.  Forty days and nights of fasting left him empty when he met the devil with an attaché full of contracts on an unleveled playing field.  The devil offered Jesus what the entire world chases its tail to get… fame and fortune and power.   And with the grit of dust between his teeth, Jesus declined. 

“No.”   “No.”   “Hell, no.”

If I’m reading a little between the lines on this last answer, it’s not too far off the mark.  Because whatever Jesus’ words were, they were forceful enough to make the devil pack up his wares in a hurry.  And what could be more frightening to any tempter than to hear the words ‘no’ and ‘hell’ linked together?  

 

I’m so dinged up and tarnished from everyday life that maybe a forty day fast of something will help me to enter into a spiritual desert with Jesus.   Maybe there I can remember that I need to die to the worst parts of my self — those that I’ve acquired over fifty-some years of living — that keep me from being true to myself and even kind to myself, amidst the trippings and the trappings of  fame and fortune and power.  If only it could be easy to let go of these props and take off these masks, for it’s these that have made me unwieldy and clumsy, that have made me acquire a few dings and rough edges along the way.  Maybe some of the desert dust could sandblast me into something shiny and new to smooth out the dings and knock off my rough edges.  Maybe then I will be more like myself.  Maybe this weighty desert dust will also help remind me that I am dust….but not yet dead weight.

 

Voices Out Of Nowhere…

24 Tuesday Feb 2009

Posted by Janell in Life at Home, Soul Care

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Aging, Parents

It’s eerie how a desire I had just expressed, while talking with my dear friend Ann, was answered three days later.  On Wednesday I spoke of losing touch with my childhood friends…and on Saturday a voice from my childhood calls out of the blue.

 

Well…it wasn’t really out of the blue.  Deb’s call came out her father’s recent death and the love she has for her mother.  She was hoping to find a solution to enable my dad to converse with her mom.  It’s probably been close to two years since dad began losing his speech capabilities, so almost that long since this brother and sister have enjoyed a good two-way conversation.  When they ‘chat’ these days, he listens while she talks.  And even though dad doesn’t say much, I know by looking at his eyes how glad he is just to listen to Aunt Carol’s voice.  These siblings have stood by one another through the thick and thin of their lives and these one-sided conversations are nothing more than another verse of their same old tune.  

 

Trying to figure out how to reconnect our widowed parents offered Deb and me a chance to relive our own shared childhood stories.  But to discover we shared a story of more recent vintage was almost unbelievable.  And I do mean unbelievable.  The weekend before Deb’s dad passed, ‘something’ told her to call her parents.  By Monday night, her dad was dead and she was glad she’d listened and taken action on her premonition.  Similarly, the weekend before my mom suffered her stroke, I felt a persistent longing to give up my weekend plans to go see her instead.  But, rather than acting on my instincts, I followed through with my plans and made arrangements to see her the following weekend.  By then she was in ICU.  And even though she never regained consciousness, I talked to mom as if she could hear me for the seven weeks she laid there, hoping that the sound of my voice brought comfort even if she couldn’t understand my words.  It strikes me that my one-sided conversations with mom and my Aunt’s Carol’s one-side conversations with dad are not so different to the one doing the talking.      

 

Where do these hunches or inklings or premonitions come from?  Are they voices that call from deep within us or voices that call from a world we cannot see?    No matter which, they always seem to come out of the blue.  And they always appear to carry a message that responds so perfectly to our needs, even if our need is not yet known.  These voices out of nowhere are the true one-sided conversation.  And the next time one calls, may God help my unbelief so that I too may listen.   

Happy Haunts

18 Wednesday Feb 2009

Posted by Janell in Soul Care

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 “Eenie meenie chili beanie,

 the spirits are about to speak.”
 “Are they friendly spirits?”

 “Friendly? Just listen!”

                                                    –Rocky  & Bullwinkle

 

My dear friend Ann has been haunting my thoughts these last few weeks.  So shortly before eight this morning, I responded with a call.  I am fortunate to have friends who remain unfazed by phone calls that I know are too irregular and sometimes indecently early.  This morning, as we talked, I curled up in my favorite chair, still wearing my robe and pajamas, and settled into what I knew would be a highlight of my day, as we madly dashed around the bases of each other’s lives in an effort to reconnect our shared dots.  I know I can call Ann anytime and be better for the visit.  She is so bright, I feel smarter in her presence.  She is so refreshingly real – she doesn’t bother to hide behind a façade of politeness or social conventionality that prevents others from seeing her for who she really is.  And because she is who she is, she invites others, like me, to do and be the same.  It makes me wonder why I don’t call her more often.      

 

Unfortunately, most of my friends live in south Texas, so our visits come by infrequent phone calls.  But as I think about it, that’s part of the wonder of these friendships.  No matter how long it’s been between visits, the strength of the friendship carries us through our times of shared silence.  And when the threads are picked up again, as they were this morning, there is no need for patching or mending of tears with apologies for laxness in calls.  We just resume our conversations seamlessly as if the months of silence were the briefest of interludes.  

 

I met most of my good friends in a Companions in Christ small group almost seven years ago.  Outside of marriage and raising four children, I regard this as one of my most important and treasured life shaping experiences.  The material was great but it was the women that made it unforgettable.  What transpired within our group stayed put – whether it was the sharing of dreams or demons or hopes or fears, it never ventured outside our small circle – and what grew out of that intimacy and trust, was the gift of dear friendships and a closeness to God that still lives with me today.  My friend Ann came from this circle, as did my friend Bernice, a true ‘hostess with the mostest”, who could give Perle Mesta — the namesake of this historic neighborhood where I now live– a huge run for her money.   

 

Bernice dared to ask me a question three years ago, that has haunted me ever since… 

“What are you going to do with your writing?

At the time, I hadn’t planned to do anything with it.  What was there to do?  But out of the seeds of that haunting question have grown two years of private journals which is now transformed into this more public one.  And beyond that, who knows?   Well, maybe my good friends Rocky and Bullwinkle… who I still see are sitting before their cartoon-ish crystal ball, as they listen for calls from friendly spirits. 

 

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